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Humor Column

Our humor columnist’s dream trip to Wegmans

Emma Lee | Contributing Illustrator

Our humor columnist has fond memories of Wegmans. From its countless chip aisles to its expansive deli section, she explores it all in her perfect trip to the store.

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If you’ve read this column before, then you’ll know that I am a Syracuse native. That’s right. I used to live down the road from the Great New York State Fair. I’ve had Dinosaur Bar-B-Que more times than I can count. I’m pretty sure I’ve sled on every single surface in upstate New York. And of course, I have had my fair share of Wegmans visits.

Maybe you’re new to the Wonderful World of Wegmans (or the WWW, as I like to call it). For those of you unfamiliar (maybe you just moved here from California or Massachusetts. Does Massachusetts have Wegmans?), Wegmans is a cornucopia of joy. It is so much more than just a grocery store.

One of my earliest memories of Wegmans involves free deli meat. Other kids went to the bakery and asked for free cookies. Me? I was after the pepperoni. I would stroll right up to the deli counter, past all of the people waiting and make my demand: one slice of pepperoni, “pleathhhh” (I had two missing front teeth in this memory). Sure enough, the guy working behind the counter looked a little confused at the pepperoni-craving little monster that just approached him, but he would always comply if I started crying.

So, that’s where I start my trips at Wegmans. Well, that’s not true. Sometimes I’ll peruse the produce and pretend to think about buying vegetables (HAHA yeah, okay, no thanks!), then I’ll make a beeline to the deli counter for my free pepperoni slice. It’s a nice pick-me-up after a long day. Believe it or not, my roommates actually get me to turn in this column on time by throwing pepperoni at me, like a dolphin with fish at SeaWorld.



After the deli, I like to look at the Syracuse University merchandise. For some reason, in every Wegmans I’ve been to, they have a whole section dedicated to SU merch. I swear, they have as many “I Bleed Orange” shirts as they do pepperoni slices (sorry, I’m still thinking about the pepperoni, I’m absolutely starving right now). Maybe I’ll squeeze an Otto the Orange stuffed animal before making my way over to the pharmacy.

At the pharmacy, you can bet they most certainly will not have your prescriptions ready! It’s a fun little game I like to play with the pharmacist where I go, “Hey, do you have a prescription for Sarah Wells?” and they go, “It won’t be ready for fifteen minutes.” And I go, “OK!” Then I come back in fifteen minutes, and I go, “Hey, do you have a prescription for Sarah Wells?” and they go, “It won’t be ready for fifteen minutes.” And I go, “Oh … OK!”

This game can last for up to three hours. But that’s okay because it gives me time to explore one of my favorite sections: chips.

If there is one thing that Wegmans excels in, it’s chips. They have aisles and aisles of chips. I’m pretty sure you could fill up multiple Olympic-sized swimming pools with the chips they stock in these places. They have Lays, Utz, Ruffles, Pringles, everything! For a chip lover such as myself, this selection is paradise.

One non-negotiable on a dream trip to Wegmans is the frozen foods section. I do not trust myself to use the oven, and neither do my roommates ever since … the lasagna incident … sorry, I just shuddered. Anyway, I love to stick with a nice, easy microwavable meal from the frozen foods section. Perhaps some chicken nuggets, or maybe the occasional microwavable fried rice! And while I’m in there, I always like to pick up some Häagen Dazs ice cream. Any food with an umlaut in the name always makes me feel fancy.

I always like to close out a nice, long Wegmans trip by picking up my favorite snack of all time: Wegmans Part-Skim Mozzarella Cheese Sticks. Anyone close to me can tell you: I would give my life for a cheese stick.

Wait … cheese stick wrapped in pepperoni … I need to wrap this column up. I’ve just had a fantastic idea.

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