Now that she doesn’t have to campaign for or hold the office of “leader of the free world,” Hillary Clinton has a lot of options for what to do next.

Most retired grandmothers go on to volunteer at the library, hang out with their grandkids or just make really good desserts. But that’s not Hillary’s type. Her grandchildren, Charlotte and Aidan, don’t need her help. They’ll be fine. What can’t a Clinton-Mezvinsky child accomplish in this world — besides working for the FBI?

There are a ton of jobs Hillary could do instead.

After her last election loss in 2008, she went to work as secretary of state. This time, she can’t get a job that represents the United States around the world after her loss. Well, unless she can.

Who says Hillary Clinton can’t still be on the global stage? She’s an older blonde lady who can’t sing and consistently tries to stay relevant with the changing times and trends of our youth. Isn’t she a perfect tour-mate for Madonna? They’d travel the world performing, mainly because clearly nobody in America has any desire to see either of them.

Hillary can still do a lot of good in the world. Maybe she’ll run for public office on a much smaller scale, like town mayor. Just like a ton of Americans and a few occasional pets across the country, she can try to contribute to those who live around her as a mayor.

But by now, the Clintons are probably sick of public service and government, especially all the red tape they have to deal with. I was going to suggest that Hillary works at a Staples because of the Clinton Foundation’s many initiatives for education, but there’s probably too much red tape at Staples too.

According to the first headline result on Google, the Clintons have made $230 million since leaving office, and they’re good tax-paying people. They could pull a “Bush Sr.” and just be rich forever and make national news when they adopt a dog or jump out of an airplane. But that’s too easy. Hillary and Bill didn’t do all those tough and expensive 30 minute speeches just to sit back and enjoy it.

Hillary Clinton really likes to be the first lady for things. She was the first lady of Arkansas, of the United States and almost became the first lady president. There aren’t a lot of things that women haven’t done, and if she follows her dreams and works hard, she could be the first woman to fart.

Editor’s note: Josh thinks women don’t fart so he wouldn’t let me take this out. Women do fart.

As a kid, Hillary was involved with the Girl Scouts. She has experience going door-to-door, something you don’t often get to do as a presidential candidate. So, why wouldn’t a job in the postal service be the natural choice? Who wouldn’t want to trade in a formal blue pantsuit and heels for a casual blue button-up, mid-thigh khakis and a pair of white New Balances?

On second thought, with her past history of handling sensitive mail, I think maybe the postal service could do without her.

Wow, it really seems like there are a lot of options to rule out. It’s tough to believe that a woman who almost had the ability to create so many jobs might not be able to find one herself.

There’s just one other option. She fought hard as a lawyer for the Children’s Defense Fund for quality education for kids with disabilities. So maybe that’s the key. Maybe, Hillary’s desire and tendency to protect children is leading to what she should do next.

All she’s got to do is build an underground bunker and put a few kids in there. Either she’ll be protecting them when the world predictably turns into an all-out nuclear war, or she’ll have a movie made about her starring Jacob Tremblay. The campaign slogan is even adjustable to fit the movie logline. “Hillary Clinton: a Bunch of Kids are Stuck Underground … With Her.”

Joshua Feinblatt is a sophomore Television, Radio, Film major. He’s hoping to Hillary Clinton doesn’t have to take unemployment checks for too long. You can follow him on Twitter @josh_is_fein or reach him at jfeinbla@syr.edu.

Published on November 16, 2016 at 8:26 pm